I have a secret that I have been keeping from myself, I am a closet perfectionists and have a unhealthy fear of failure But it is only in myself, I don’t need perfection in others or see them failing at things if they don’t get it done right the first time, To me they are just practicing and having fun. I on the other hand have to do thing perfect the first time and it has to come to me fast. The longer it takes me to understand or do something I see it as me failing, that I am too stupid or lazy to do it. It is not only in big thing but in little ones too. I know I should not think this way but I cannot help it, I try but it is in the back of my head at all times. Before I would stress my way through it and take it out on myself in very unhealthy ways. Since I try to set a good example for the boy, I try not to do those things anymore so I cannot just stress my way through. So now I just do not try new thing, the fear of failure or not doing it perfect takes over and I see that it is better not to try then to fail. I will say I will do something and when the time comes the fear takes over and I get sick to my stomach and shut down. I do not really have the problem with wanting to be perfect my problem is that it is stopping me from doing thing. I do not want to miss out on all the fun I can have with the Hubby, friends but mostly the boy. I do not want him to think that if you think you will fail at something it is better to not do it at all. I want him to see it as practicing, that every time he tries he is that much closer to reaching his goal, which I hope, is to have fun and show the world Gods love for them. I just do not know how to over come it and the older I get the worse it gets. I know I need to give it to God but I feel I will fail at that and it scares me.
1 comment:
It's so crazy because I was totally just thinking about this, You would be surprised how many people feel the same way (myself included) and many more that I personally know. One of the things that kept resounding in my heart this weekend is the idea of being fully completely 100% submitted to God. The idea that every area of my life is his. I believe that when I do that everything else will fall into place. I got to thinking about fear last night... due to it being a hovering "friend" of mine, and I thought... the more I think of my fear the more I try and control the situation thus not letting God do what he wants. The times that I do let go and "jump" the freedom and satisfaction I feel is amazing because I know that I just did what God told me to do, how it turns out is up to him since he is the one that asked me to do it. A friend once told me that She always reminds herself that her confidence is in God, to me that meant maybe the people around me won't see it as success but when I am submitted to what I understand to be his will he is in control so I just have to be obedient. My obedience is the success. I don't have answers :o) just wanted you to know you aren't alone and we can grow in this together :o) (ramblings of a crazy friend :o)
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