This week in my Women's group at church they had a couple guest speakers. One of them was from A.R.M.S. The first thing she asked about was what came to mind when we think "domestic abuse". People started yelling out "physical" or "hitting". Strangely enough, my mind went straight to psychological and verbal because of my home life from about age 9-18 then again at 20 and 21.

When I was 9 or 10 we went bowling for my Mom's work and we fell in love with a guy she worked with. He was really nice and fun to hang out with and shortly after, they started dating. He seemed perfect.

I don't know how it all started but I remember one night waking up to him yelling at my mom. He was drunk and he couldn't find his contact lenses and was blaming my mom and calling her names. I didn't know what to do, so I just laid there crying. Slowly over time I got use to the yelling. I could even tell if he had been drinking by the way he looked, smelled, or just the first word out of his mouth. He was never mean to me when he had been drinking; only my mom.

They ended up getting married at Lake Tahoe when I was 13 with my brother and I as witnesses. They said that they wanted a small wedding, but the truth of the matter was that they had no friends. He didn't like hanging out with people because he had to put on the mask of him being this great guy who treated his wife like a princess. Slowly my mom stopped talking to her friends and the only person left for her to dump on was a teenage daughter.

In 8th grade I had a friend who saw him for what he really was. Not the white knight but the dark side of him. She even asked me once if he would ever hit her. Of course, I said that there was no way and if he ever did it would be the end. Little did I know, things would get worse after my brother moved out. My step-dad started having problems at work and bringing it home with him. More alcohol and mindgames followed until my mom started thinking that she was the problem. Laying in my room hearing yelling became almost a nightly ritual and always over something petty.

I started to notice that my mom was not the same. She was turning into a completely different person, not even a shadow of the fun loving mom I knew as a kid. She was sad and angry most of the time. She would keep telling me that I was the only thing keeping her sane.

It became a cycle: the drinking, the anger, the yelling, the fighting, the apology. All to begin again the next day. He would stop drinking momentarily but always start back up because like most addicts he didn't think he had a problem and that he could fix it himself. Growing up I watched him do the psychological, verbal, financial and property abuse, never thinking it would turn physical because he always said he was disgusted by men that hit their wives.

Later on in high school, I was laying in bed and heard my mom just calmly ask him where he put her keys after he had used them. There was no disrespectful tone in her voice much like asking someone to pass the butter. Then he started in on her calling her names and saying how could she talk to him like that, much like their previous fights. I just laid there waiting for it to be over so I could go to sleep. Then all of a sudden my mom started screaming for me to call 911. I grabbed my phone and ran downstairs not knowing what was going on. I thought they were just fighting like any other night. I walked in to find my mom laying in the kitchen on the floor. The next couple minutes where kind of a blur but I remember him saying it was her fault and that she made him do it. His yelling became an hilarious cackle as he kept repeating over and over that no one was going to believe her while the police were on the phone. I told him to get out and soon after he was gone. The cops came and looked for him but they couldn't find him anywhere.

After they left, he came back and tried to come inside. We had to hold the door shut so he couldn't get in while I called the cops again. As he got in one of the cars to get away the police came back and arrested him. I didn't know how this could of happen. He was a nice guy wasn't he? He just had some anger issues right? He gave her a black eye, a laceration behind her right ear, a scraped knee and two cracked ribs. She told me that he had pushed her a couple times before, but nothing close to this.

I thought that was that and that finally, he was out of our lives. However, the psychological damage was already done. My mom loved him and she started justifying his actions. This was followed by telling everyone (not the truth) but that she fell off a stool. It wasn't long before she asked me if he could move back in. She said that he was sorry and that he was going to get help. I was 18 and had an okay job so I knew I could move out if I wanted to. I told her that if she let him move back that I would leave. Thankfully, she picked me over him. You would think that was the end of it. Well think again. Eight to nine years of abuse takes a long time to get over if ever.

When I was 20 she told me that they had been talking. My Mom told me that my brother said it would be okay for them to date again. I went along with it under the condition that if he ever hurt her again it was over. Within a couple of months the verbal abuse started up again.

By this time I was married with a newborn son. All I had been through brought us to a harsh rule. My step-dad had stopped drinking for the moment and the rule was that if he started again, our son would not be allowed over at their house.

The boy was about three or four months old when it happened. He had gotten drunk and smacked her hard with a pillow. It was decided and that weekend the boy did not go over to their house. They finally got divorced but the strings were still attached. She would still cut his hair and tell me it was the last time for almost two years. She is in a healthy relationship now but the mental scars are still there.

I say all this for a few reasons. Many people blow off signs of abuse because they are not looking for them. They don't think about the different kinds of abuse like, property, financial, verbal, or psychological abuse. People never think the worst of someone that they love so they look past all of the little things. A person might not even realize that they are in an abusive relationship. In fact, others might notice before they do. They begin to make excuses for the person and blame themselves for the abusers actions. After the abuser has done the damage (whichever way that might be) the abused has an entirely different way of thinking. They are beat down to the point that they can't even see the injustice being done to them.

The only way to get get past this school of thought is to realize that you cannot make someone hit you. You cannot make someone call you names. You cannot make someone play mind games with you. They choose to use their power issues, control issues, and low self esteem to make you feel weak so that they feel stronger.

Whether it is physical, mental, verbal, or any of the other kinds of abuse it all ends with the same result. Brokenness.