Failure

simpsons_failure
Originally uploaded by Juan Freire

I have a secret that I have been keeping from myself, I am a closet perfectionists and have a unhealthy fear of failure But it is only in myself, I don’t need perfection in others or see them failing at things if they don’t get it done right the first time, To me they are just practicing and having fun. I on the other hand have to do thing perfect the first time and it has to come to me fast. The longer it takes me to understand or do something I see it as me failing, that I am too stupid or lazy to do it. It is not only in big thing but in little ones too. I know I should not think this way but I cannot help it, I try but it is in the back of my head at all times. Before I would stress my way through it and take it out on myself in very unhealthy ways. Since I try to set a good example for the boy, I try not to do those things anymore so I cannot just stress my way through. So now I just do not try new thing, the fear of failure or not doing it perfect takes over and I see that it is better not to try then to fail. I will say I will do something and when the time comes the fear takes over and I get sick to my stomach and shut down. I do not really have the problem with wanting to be perfect my problem is that it is stopping me from doing thing. I do not want to miss out on all the fun I can have with the Hubby, friends but mostly the boy. I do not want him to think that if you think you will fail at something it is better to not do it at all. I want him to see it as practicing, that every time he tries he is that much closer to reaching his goal, which I hope, is to have fun and show the world Gods love for them. I just do not know how to over come it and the older I get the worse it gets. I know I need to give it to God but I feel I will fail at that and it scares me.

Little Man

So, for the last year my hubby has wanted to start potty training the boy.  I, on the other hand, wanted to wait until he was three because I was the one who would be dealing with it all day.  I thought if we started too soon it would take years to finish. I kept putting it off when he would talk about it.  Well two or three weeks ago, my hubby kind of had a fit about it.  If you are married, you know the hubby fits I am talking about.  The ones they don't know they are having.  So I said,' fine'.  In my mind, I was thinking after a couple of weeks of dealing with pee and poo everywhere, he will see I was right like I always am.  Well, hubby gets to do the victory dance on this one. The first day we had two wet mishaps, the second day none, and that night he stayed dry. The 6th day he finally went poo after holding it the entire week.  He said he was scared and that's why he didn't want to go. With a little TLC, he has been going like a little man ever since.  Now when I hear him running to the bathroom all on his own, not needing any help, I have mixed feelings.  On one hand, I am very proud that he is growing up and not needing me to do everything for him. On the other hand, I am so sad that he is growing up and not needing my help anymore.  I now see that it wasn't so much of me thinking it was too soon for the boy, but me not wanting him to grow up so fast.  Now when I look at him there is no sign of my baby, just a little man who is getting older by the second.  I wish I had a time freezer so I could soak up as much as possible before it's too late.