This week in my Women's group at church they had a couple guest speakers. One of them was from A.R.M.S. The first thing she asked about was what came to mind when we think "domestic abuse". People started yelling out "physical" or "hitting". Strangely enough, my mind went straight to psychological and verbal because of my home life from about age 9-18 then again at 20 and 21.

When I was 9 or 10 we went bowling for my Mom's work and we fell in love with a guy she worked with. He was really nice and fun to hang out with and shortly after, they started dating. He seemed perfect.

I don't know how it all started but I remember one night waking up to him yelling at my mom. He was drunk and he couldn't find his contact lenses and was blaming my mom and calling her names. I didn't know what to do, so I just laid there crying. Slowly over time I got use to the yelling. I could even tell if he had been drinking by the way he looked, smelled, or just the first word out of his mouth. He was never mean to me when he had been drinking; only my mom.

They ended up getting married at Lake Tahoe when I was 13 with my brother and I as witnesses. They said that they wanted a small wedding, but the truth of the matter was that they had no friends. He didn't like hanging out with people because he had to put on the mask of him being this great guy who treated his wife like a princess. Slowly my mom stopped talking to her friends and the only person left for her to dump on was a teenage daughter.

In 8th grade I had a friend who saw him for what he really was. Not the white knight but the dark side of him. She even asked me once if he would ever hit her. Of course, I said that there was no way and if he ever did it would be the end. Little did I know, things would get worse after my brother moved out. My step-dad started having problems at work and bringing it home with him. More alcohol and mindgames followed until my mom started thinking that she was the problem. Laying in my room hearing yelling became almost a nightly ritual and always over something petty.

I started to notice that my mom was not the same. She was turning into a completely different person, not even a shadow of the fun loving mom I knew as a kid. She was sad and angry most of the time. She would keep telling me that I was the only thing keeping her sane.

It became a cycle: the drinking, the anger, the yelling, the fighting, the apology. All to begin again the next day. He would stop drinking momentarily but always start back up because like most addicts he didn't think he had a problem and that he could fix it himself. Growing up I watched him do the psychological, verbal, financial and property abuse, never thinking it would turn physical because he always said he was disgusted by men that hit their wives.

Later on in high school, I was laying in bed and heard my mom just calmly ask him where he put her keys after he had used them. There was no disrespectful tone in her voice much like asking someone to pass the butter. Then he started in on her calling her names and saying how could she talk to him like that, much like their previous fights. I just laid there waiting for it to be over so I could go to sleep. Then all of a sudden my mom started screaming for me to call 911. I grabbed my phone and ran downstairs not knowing what was going on. I thought they were just fighting like any other night. I walked in to find my mom laying in the kitchen on the floor. The next couple minutes where kind of a blur but I remember him saying it was her fault and that she made him do it. His yelling became an hilarious cackle as he kept repeating over and over that no one was going to believe her while the police were on the phone. I told him to get out and soon after he was gone. The cops came and looked for him but they couldn't find him anywhere.

After they left, he came back and tried to come inside. We had to hold the door shut so he couldn't get in while I called the cops again. As he got in one of the cars to get away the police came back and arrested him. I didn't know how this could of happen. He was a nice guy wasn't he? He just had some anger issues right? He gave her a black eye, a laceration behind her right ear, a scraped knee and two cracked ribs. She told me that he had pushed her a couple times before, but nothing close to this.

I thought that was that and that finally, he was out of our lives. However, the psychological damage was already done. My mom loved him and she started justifying his actions. This was followed by telling everyone (not the truth) but that she fell off a stool. It wasn't long before she asked me if he could move back in. She said that he was sorry and that he was going to get help. I was 18 and had an okay job so I knew I could move out if I wanted to. I told her that if she let him move back that I would leave. Thankfully, she picked me over him. You would think that was the end of it. Well think again. Eight to nine years of abuse takes a long time to get over if ever.

When I was 20 she told me that they had been talking. My Mom told me that my brother said it would be okay for them to date again. I went along with it under the condition that if he ever hurt her again it was over. Within a couple of months the verbal abuse started up again.

By this time I was married with a newborn son. All I had been through brought us to a harsh rule. My step-dad had stopped drinking for the moment and the rule was that if he started again, our son would not be allowed over at their house.

The boy was about three or four months old when it happened. He had gotten drunk and smacked her hard with a pillow. It was decided and that weekend the boy did not go over to their house. They finally got divorced but the strings were still attached. She would still cut his hair and tell me it was the last time for almost two years. She is in a healthy relationship now but the mental scars are still there.

I say all this for a few reasons. Many people blow off signs of abuse because they are not looking for them. They don't think about the different kinds of abuse like, property, financial, verbal, or psychological abuse. People never think the worst of someone that they love so they look past all of the little things. A person might not even realize that they are in an abusive relationship. In fact, others might notice before they do. They begin to make excuses for the person and blame themselves for the abusers actions. After the abuser has done the damage (whichever way that might be) the abused has an entirely different way of thinking. They are beat down to the point that they can't even see the injustice being done to them.

The only way to get get past this school of thought is to realize that you cannot make someone hit you. You cannot make someone call you names. You cannot make someone play mind games with you. They choose to use their power issues, control issues, and low self esteem to make you feel weak so that they feel stronger.

Whether it is physical, mental, verbal, or any of the other kinds of abuse it all ends with the same result. Brokenness.

So I  dislike staring in the fridge or trying to make the grocery list to figure out what to make for dinner every night of the week. So my wired, like to have everything planned out mind, with the help of the Hubby came up with the perfect fit. So for all you, who I know are just sitting at the edge of your seat with anticipation for my masterful plan to make your life a breeze, here you go.

•  Movie Mondays- We watch a movie and have Totino's pizza
  
• Taco Tuesdays-We have Taco's 
• Waffle Wednesday- We have Waffle's or Pancakes but Pancakes Wednesday doesn't sound cool
• Tuscany Thursday- We have some kind of Pasta
• Fresh Friday- We have fresh veggies, fruit or Subway{eat fresh}
• Seafood Saturday- We have something with Seafood {this includes Chinese food because we get crab puffs} 
• Slow Cooker Sundays- We will {ha ha I will} throw something in the slow cooker before church and it will be done when we are ready to eat.
  

 This will make it easier because now I have an idea of what the meal is based on so I just buy around that. Tonight we eat Tortellini's, Man I love assigning things to everyday of the week it makes me so happy. I am surprised I am not one of those people who wears the same thing on every Monday and so on. Hmmm It would be really easy to get dressed if you already knew what you were going to wear that day of the week. Trousers Tuesday anyone? I think it stems for childhood when we had flip up Friday's and throw up Thursday's. Please say my school was not the only one that had something for everyday of the week.

You know your a mom when..

So you know your a mom when you are watching a really good action movie and during the adrenaline pumping freeway scene with cars flying all over the place and getting demolished, you aren't thinking this is so cool. You're thinking I hope no kids are in those cars, or what would I do if this happen to me.  Then a tear comes to your eye because you don't want anything to hurt you baby. Man being a mom is hard on the movie watching.

Soap for the Day

Today’s  SOAP was on Philippians 2:5-18.  I thought I was just being lazy on the verse I picked because it was just  four words that stuck out to me from a verse. As I did the ‘O’ part I was thinking,” Is this really the part that spoke to me the most or am I just doing an easy one to write on. Then came the “A” and that’s when God showed me what he wanted me to see. I also think he wanted me to blog it for all of you to see in case this was for you too and you don’t do SOAP’s. Hope you enjoy and sorry if it is long.

S (Scripture) Do everything readily and cheerfully - no bickering, no second-guessing allowed!

2:14ish in the Message

O (Observation) Paul is talking about people being ready to do God’s will instead of sitting around second-guessing themselves if that was really God talking to them.

A (Application) A lot of people hear God and think to themselves,” Was that really God? That seems a little scary and not my best ability for him to use.”  God does all this stuff in their lives to point to his will for them, but they keep second-guessing him. Satan loves this about us because the more time we take to start Gods will, the further we get from God. Our lives start to feel off, we get depressed easier and don’t find the joy in things like we did when we were close with God.  So when God tells you to do something don’t second guess your abilities or think you might fail. Go do it cheerfully and if it doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to, just remember your way and Gods way can be two totally different things. Failure in your eyes may be success in God‘s. We will never know his full plan until we get to heaven .

P (Prayer) Please help me from second, third and millionth time-guessing if it is really you speaking, God.  Let me see that my faith in you is all I need to know that it is you talking to me.

Failure

simpsons_failure
Originally uploaded by Juan Freire

I have a secret that I have been keeping from myself, I am a closet perfectionists and have a unhealthy fear of failure But it is only in myself, I don’t need perfection in others or see them failing at things if they don’t get it done right the first time, To me they are just practicing and having fun. I on the other hand have to do thing perfect the first time and it has to come to me fast. The longer it takes me to understand or do something I see it as me failing, that I am too stupid or lazy to do it. It is not only in big thing but in little ones too. I know I should not think this way but I cannot help it, I try but it is in the back of my head at all times. Before I would stress my way through it and take it out on myself in very unhealthy ways. Since I try to set a good example for the boy, I try not to do those things anymore so I cannot just stress my way through. So now I just do not try new thing, the fear of failure or not doing it perfect takes over and I see that it is better not to try then to fail. I will say I will do something and when the time comes the fear takes over and I get sick to my stomach and shut down. I do not really have the problem with wanting to be perfect my problem is that it is stopping me from doing thing. I do not want to miss out on all the fun I can have with the Hubby, friends but mostly the boy. I do not want him to think that if you think you will fail at something it is better to not do it at all. I want him to see it as practicing, that every time he tries he is that much closer to reaching his goal, which I hope, is to have fun and show the world Gods love for them. I just do not know how to over come it and the older I get the worse it gets. I know I need to give it to God but I feel I will fail at that and it scares me.

Little Man

So, for the last year my hubby has wanted to start potty training the boy.  I, on the other hand, wanted to wait until he was three because I was the one who would be dealing with it all day.  I thought if we started too soon it would take years to finish. I kept putting it off when he would talk about it.  Well two or three weeks ago, my hubby kind of had a fit about it.  If you are married, you know the hubby fits I am talking about.  The ones they don't know they are having.  So I said,' fine'.  In my mind, I was thinking after a couple of weeks of dealing with pee and poo everywhere, he will see I was right like I always am.  Well, hubby gets to do the victory dance on this one. The first day we had two wet mishaps, the second day none, and that night he stayed dry. The 6th day he finally went poo after holding it the entire week.  He said he was scared and that's why he didn't want to go. With a little TLC, he has been going like a little man ever since.  Now when I hear him running to the bathroom all on his own, not needing any help, I have mixed feelings.  On one hand, I am very proud that he is growing up and not needing me to do everything for him. On the other hand, I am so sad that he is growing up and not needing my help anymore.  I now see that it wasn't so much of me thinking it was too soon for the boy, but me not wanting him to grow up so fast.  Now when I look at him there is no sign of my baby, just a little man who is getting older by the second.  I wish I had a time freezer so I could soak up as much as possible before it's too late.

Mommy fix it

Lately the boy has wanted me to make forts for him out of the sofa pillows.   It brings me such joy to see the happiness it brings him so I willingly do it.  Then five minutes later he comes running up to me asking to fix the fort because he has jumped on it destroying it and  he flashes that little man smile of his so  I will  fix it for him.   After the third or fourth time, I tell him I will not fix it again because he is not listening to me when I say 'don't jump on it' and if he jumps on it again he has to fix it himself.  Today it got me thinking about how I do that with my life.  I ask God for stuff and he gives it to me because I am his little girl and he takes joy in my happiness.  Then I go and jump all over it because I didn't listen when he said it will come crashing down if you jump on it.  But come on! Jumping is oh so fun! Will it really do that much damage? The answer is sadly yes; but the great thing is God doesn't make me fix it after the third or fourth time because he loves me so much! He knows someday I will see that if I do what he says it will not come crashing down.  Hopefully, for the boy and I, that will be very soon!